While I consider myself to be more fearless than the average person, there are some things that seriously scare the shit out of me. The most prominent being commitment.
Commitment to anything -even something simple like an outfit or meal at a restaurant- makes me sweat a little bit because the possibility of missing out on something better persistently looms over my head. Relationships? Forget about it! When I see photos of lovely newly-wed couples on Instagram or Facebook, my first thought is “aww, how nice”. Then immediately after that red flashing lights and sirens go off, and I cannot help but widen my already bulbous eyeballs thinking about how they have come to the decision to, in theory, spend the REST OF THEIR LIVES together. Now that is freaky.
There are exactly two things that I have successfully committed to in my life:
- keeping a journal
- wearing a silver bangle made by my mum’s cousin on my right wrist
It seems that I constantly find myself scrambling for change, my mind working on the basis that there is always something better out there that I need to go and seek. I’ll be frank; this is not budget friendly at all. And I’m sure as hell not a millionaire. Even now as I type this on my beloved laptop (named Madoline Honoure, yes I name my electronics), I keep getting distracted by the stickers I have put on her. Why the fuck didn’t I get one of those clear case things so that I can just throw that away once I get tired of the stickers?
I am fully aware that being a commitment-phobe isn’t a “real” struggle; there are way more serious issues that other people have to deal with. But it does bother me at times, especially when I see my friends happily involved in committed relationships. People always reassure me, “you just haven’t met the right person yet” or “it’s because you’re young!”. There definitely is some truth to that, and I really shouldn’t give up on dating, but a part of me has already accepted (at the tender age of 20) that swerving commitment is just how I cope and function as a human being. I don’t envision myself living in a big house with a spouse and children. I see myself travelling all the time, working my ass off and coming home to an apartment in the city equipped with a comfortable chair and some wine. That is the kind of environment I need in order to be my best self.
Bottom line, I am most productive when I am alone. That sounds sad, but it really isn’t. Taking walks alone, shopping alone, going to museums and theatres alone… Extremely therapeutic! Besides, with Snapchat and constant messaging, you never really feel like you are completely alone. I’m now unsure of what the hell I was trying to say in this post, but all I can say is: My name is Saya and I am a content commitment-phobe.